Love for a Change
by El Cuero
Summary: Hermione decides to turn herself into a ditzy bimbo to win Ron's love. She becomes swept up in dark imaginings beyond her desires and is soon involved in one of Voldermorts dastardly plans...
1. Chapter 1 Inferno

**Love for a Change**

_Hermione becomes jealous of Ron's buxom bimbo girlfriend and decides to modify herself to gain his love. This is only a short Intro chapter, but if it gets any interest I will continue with the story. Thanks, and enjoy._

* * *

"Fuck."

Hermione turned red. As her face flushed with envy her eyes could not help but follow Ron, and his latest girl-toy, Miranda Mink.

"What does he want with that slut, anyway?"

She said this aloud, despite there being no one around to hear. Truth be, Hermione knew damned well what Ron liked about Miranda Mink. She may not be able to hold a conversation but she sure can flirt and giggle at all the right times. In place of smarts she had mini skirts that barely covered her ass, and instead heaving books around she had a heaving bosom, which jiggled and bounced whenever was necessary.

After some time observing Mink, Hermione could no longer tell if it was Ron she was envious of, or Miranda.

_It's not fair_, she thought, crestfallen, _I love Ron. And he loves me, I know it. I just know he does. He's just shallow. But surely he could change, for me._

Ron gave Miranda a playful smack on the bum as they disappeared around the corner.

_Look at them! Disgusting! He deserves better than that skank._

It was right about then that the panic bug bit. It's mandibles clamped tight on Hermione's heartstrings and made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up.

_Or perhaps_, she worried, _he deserves better than me_.

"Ridiculous!"

_Perhaps Ron overlooks you because you're not good enough_.

"No, it's not true!" she muttered, slumping down into a curled position in the corner.

_Of course it is. Look at you. You're nothing compared to her!_

Hermione felt her eyes sting, and her vision blurred.

"It's true," she whispered, slinking into the Girl's bathroom, "I'm nothing like her. I'm not what Ron wants at all."

She observed her appearance in the mirror over the sink. She wasn't a thing like Miranda. With mousy brown hair covering her swamp-green eyes, thin pink lips and cheeks dotted with freckles, she was a far-cry from Ron's dream girl. She cupped her breasts sadly. There wasn't much to cup. And her slightly chubby pear-shaped figure was nothing compared to Minks perfect hourglass.

Clutching the sides of the sink for support, she realized that she had something Miranda surely didn't.

"I'm brainy." she smiled weakly.

The smile didn't last long.

_Ron doesn't want brains. He wants boobs._

Miranda knew when to smile, when to giggle her high pitched little giggle and when to say something ditzy in her breathy voice. That was all she needed to know. And knowing Snape, it was probably all she needed to pass Hogwarts with excellent grades.

The panic bug's poison had now fully set in.

'_She's everything Ron wants,_' it taunted, _'And you are nothing.'_

"It's not fair." she weeped into the sink, "I love Ron. But he doesn't love me. I know. I know he doesn't. He's just shallow."

With that, a single shining plan formulated within her brilliant brain.

"But surely," she whispered nervously, "I can change. For him."

She stood up, straightened herself up, and went to grab her books. As she did so, however, a thought crossed her mind.

_Miranda doesn't carry books around. Miranda doesn't read._

"Then neither do I."

With that she wiped her eyes, plastered a pretty smile on her delicate lips, and walked out, leaving her books behind.


	2. Chapter 2 From Beyond

**Love for a Change, Chapter II**

**

* * *

**

_Hermione becomes more and more obsessed with changing herself to please Ron. She does not know yet, but she's heading down a dark path._

_Thanks for the positive feedback to Chapter I. Chapter II is another shorty, although it is considerably longer than the last installment. I have decided that if I get some more good vibes from the feedback, this will be followed up by four more chapters dealing with Hermione's transformation in depth. Hope you enjoy, and Happy New Year!_

* * *

Without her books, potions class was bound to be decidedly grueling. Snape took particular pleasure in pointing this out.

"I see you have forgotten your resource materials," he sneered, warping each syllable into a hiss, "How very out of character, Granger."

Hermione simply sneered back.

"Perhaps you need to become better acquainted with my character, Severus."

Snape opened his mouth to retort, but must have shortly decided against doing so, as he waved a hand in dismissal and slithered off to the front of the class.

Hermione smiled at her silent victory. She turned to peer over at Ron.

_Oh Ron. Do you know how much I adore you?_

Clearly the answer was a resounding No, which he swiftly made evident by wrapping his arm around Miranda and planting a small kiss on her full, red lips. Not once did he even glance in Hermione's direction. He had eye's only for Miranda Mink, it appeared.

_Mink. How I detest her!_

Ron and Miranda shared another, longer kiss at the back of the class.

_How I envy her. If only Ron would look at me like that._

"No," she corrected herself quietly, "Ron _will_ look at me like that."

Hermione turned slowly back to focus on the classwork at hand, only just realizing that Snape was already in mid-lecture.

"As any historian will tell you", he droned on to the class, "Most of the more formidable potions of our time were discovered amongst the Vl'uth tribes in the deepest wilds of South America by a Doctor Edward Remora. Remora himself vanished in the jungle, and what happened to that bastard is anyones guess, but his letters contained brewing instructions for what we now call the 'Remora Death Brew.'"

Hermione had heard of the Remora disappearance. Some claimed the tribal men sacrificed him, others said he fell victim to the vicious fauna of the jungle. It was all very fascinating.

But Miranda obviously didn't think so. She and Ron were _still_ snobbing. Snape either did not notice this, or simply did not care, as he carried on.

"The potion is not exceptionally difficult, no. It simply happens to be very obscure. Can anybody enlighten us as to why that is?"

By second nature, Hermione began to lift her hand.

Mink didn't know a thing about the Remora Death Brew.

Then neither do I.

Mink's hand isn't raised.

Then neither is mine.

Hermione let her hand fall and shut her mouth.

There was a short, unusual silence. One that was so typically filled by a response from Hermione that to not have one was almost uncomfortable. Even Ron disconnected his lips from Mink's, if only briefly, to peer down at her in curiosity.

Turning his confused gaze away from Hermione, Harry cautiously answered in her place.

"Is it sir, because the ingredients are hard to locate?"

"The Yaquara jungle lands are amongst the most deadly places on the planet, Potter," Snape snarled without so much as looking at him,"Locating the ingredients is one thing, surviving the journey is another altogether."

That night Hermione lay awake. She wanted Ron, and Ron wanted Mink. The only way Ron could ever want her was if she became Miranda Mink. This much was clear. However, not reading and not answering Snapes questions were hardly enough. She need to look like Mink. She needed to act like Mink. But most importantly, she has to think like Mink.

"Miranda?"

Miranda woke to find Hermione Granger gazing down at her.

"Hermione?" she whispered in her pretty, high pitched voice, "What time is it?"

"I couldn't sleep." Hermione replied half heartedly.

"Oh, right. What's up?"

Hermione didn't respond straight away. She was busy staring at Mink's perfect body with what could only be described as lust. Her bedheaded blonde hair looked gorgeous even at this hour, and her ever so slightly parted red lips gave her an aura of sensuality that could not be denied. Her torpedo breasts were perky and nicely rounded, even given the fact that she was lying on one side, just woken up.

"I was thinking," she whispered, moving her eyes up from Miranda's breasts and to her pretty face,"that we don't talk much. Why aren't we friends?"

Mink just looked confused.

"Iunno, we never talked before."

She had a valid point.

"Well, what sorta' things do you like?"

Mink put a finger to her cheek and stuck out her bottom lip as she thought.

"I like Ronny!"

_Ronny? That_ was her nickname for him? Even from Mink, Hermione had expected something slightly more inspired.

"What else?"

"Well, I like doing my hair and my make up. I like my clothes. I like cooking, shopping, stuff like that."

A modern housewife in training.

"Whadda you like, Hermione?"

Remembering Minks earlier actions, Hermione poked out her bottom lip and placed her hand at her cheek.

"Well, I like clothes shopping and buying clothes and trying on clothes," Hermione lied, unable to think of much else that might appeal to Minks sensibilities, "Y'know. Wearing clothes. It's my thing."

Miranda giggled in excitement.

"No way! Me too! We should totally hang out!"

"We totally should!"

Miranda yawned, covering her mouth as she did so.

"But I really needa, like, sleep now, Hermione."

"Me too", Hermione lied again, "I totally need to get off to bed."

"G'night Hermione."

"Sweet dreams, Miranda."

Hermione hopped off to her own bed, where she dived under the covers and produced a spell book from under the mattress. The books lettering was a luminescent pink, so the dark was not a problem as Hermione found Chapter IV.

Breast enlargement spells.


	3. Chapter 3 Don't Look Now

**Love For A Change: Chapter 3; Don't Look Now**

* * *

_Hermiones emerging sexuality all but consumes her in this wary tale of lust and intrigue._

_Dear Readers,_

_All three of you have been utterly patient and loyal and for that I will not reward you at all. Instead you may have the displeasure of reading this fan fiction. If, however, you are not mentally ill and ave no desire to read fan fiction you may choose to ignore it and read the ever popular series about pale teenage vampires who fall in love in a small American town,_ To Kill a Mockingbird_, instead._

* * *

Hermione had never been a curvy girl. She had a slim figure, and a sadly shapeless one, with no outward curves of any kind. Her waist was short and had little shape, and her small butt was nothing to write home about. And, of course, her breasts. Her tiny B-Cups, practically without need of a bra anyway. Slight and unnoticeable. Until now.

The first thing she noticed about her new bust was that it was difficult to get used to the change in her center of gravity, but her good posture soon fixed that. The next thing she noticed was the way all the boys stared now. Harry stared. Neville stared. Snape stared. Even Hagrid, of all people, could not help but stare. All the attention to her big new sweater puppies made Hermione blush every time she caught a pair of eyes fixated on her bouncing cleavage.

Hermione had finally mastered the Mammonisa incantation, late at night, under the covers, book in hand. Now she sported an official pair of DD cups. Even the Slytherins were noticing.

"Granger."

Hermione turned to see Draco Malfoy, a jerkass Slytherin from her year, approaching down the corridor.

"Yes, Draco?" she replied, in a voice more high-pitched than she had intended.

"I know I've been something of a poor sport towards you, in the past.", his eyes were exploring her cleavage, and she only gave a small giggle.

"Go on?"

"Well, I mean, you are a mudblood, after all."

Suddenly, it happened. She couldn't control herself. Hermione wrapped her arm around Draco, and pressed her heaving bosom into his chest.

With some alien, breathy voice she had never heard from her own lips before she moaned, "Yes Draco. I'm a just a mudblood. A very dirty mudblood."

NO! What am I doing? She thought, loosening her grip. Draco made a move towards her but she darted off to the girls bathroom nearby.

Once there, she realized one of her huge boobs had spilled out as she ran. She began squeezing it back into her bra, when she realized how crazy her new tits, and this mission to be more like Mink, was making her.

Not. Good.

Here she was, saving herself for Ron, doing all this for Ron, when she starts getting hot because of her own boobs.

"Not good. Like, totally not good", she muttered.

As the week progressed, Hermione did many things she had never done before. She got her her dyed blonde. She went swimming in the lake, in a bikini, just to please the boys on the banks. And she went shopping with Minerva, who she swiftly realized was actually a very smart, charming girl.

As Hermione squeezed her figure into a rather stylish pink corset, Minerva complimented her.

"Hermione, you are, like so hot."

Hermione blushed.

"Thanks Minki."

"Baby, with tits like ours, we can get whatever guy we want, right?"

Oh, the irony.

"Totally!"

The strange thing was, as she became more and more like Mink, the more Hermione found herself enjoying life. Before clothes shopping was a hassle. Now, it was more fun than anything else. With her wardrobe now consisting primarily of mini skirts and tiny boob-flaunting shirts, Hermione was finding herself getting more and more sexualized by the minute.

Perhaps the weirdest change was what she stopped enjoying. Schoolwork was boring now. She was flunking Defense against the Dark Arts and Potions. They were so boring! She and Minki had so much more fun trying on make up in Hogsmeade.

But of course, it was all for Ron.

Then again.

I am, like, really horny, she thought, naked under the bedsheets one night, I deserve an outlet.

Perhaps it was fate that led Hermione down to the corridors that night, where she found Draco Malfoy slumped against the wall, his tight robes doing little to hide his pleasure at seeing her. Perhaps not fate. Something biological. Hermione, you see, had forced her mind and body through a intense transformation. Her intellect had dropped, her figure had filled out and her mind belonged to the gutter. Only one thing stood in the way of Hermione completing her transformation.

"Hey Mudblood."

"Hey Draco."

He leaned in to kiss her, over-confident. She pulled back, cursing her hormones.

"What's wrong, Hermi? Not feeling so dirty tonight, huh?"

"If I do this", Hermione whispered in Minks breathy tone, "I can never go back to being me. I will, like, be a silly slut... forever."

Draco grinned ear to ear.

"Something tells me you know you're happier now."

"But all this was meant to be for Ronny!", she moaned trying desperately to ignore the increasing heat under her night gown, "Now look what I've turned myself into! A dirty, slutty, skanky -"

"Mudblood" Draco hissed, seizing her and joining their lips.

What shred of Hermiones old self vanished in the hours of pleasure, flesh and sweat that followed. In the morning, as she lay, legs wrapped around Dracos torso and arms across his chest, old Hermione was lost for good, replaced by a sickly seductive smile.

At Hogwarts it is considered unusual to find two students lying nude upon each other in a corridor. Particularly if those two students are Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy. But this, good reader, is what a short, chubby young Slytherin girl came across as she traveled to her bathroom for self-harm.

"Oh Em Gee!" she exclaimed, her voluptuous form shuddering dangerously close to snapping point in a tight leather bra, "Draco, what the fuck are you doing?"

Draco murmured and returned to consciousness.

"Huh?" he whispered, rubbing his eyes.

"Draco you sick fucking faggot! I hope dis bitch gave you AIDs!"

Oh god, thought Draco, just what I need right now.

"Calm down. What time is it?"

"Time for you to fucking die!"

Draco stood up, easily shadowing the girl he grabbed by the shoulders before him.

"Please, for gods sakes, calm down Enoby."

Enoby stood in silence for a moment, adjusting her fake leather jacket's fake leather shoulder straps, in which she typically tucked away her fake leather wallet with the fake leather key chain.

Finally she pushed Draco back, with unexpected force.

"Oh em gee Draco, wuh tuh fuh are you fuckin' thinkin'? I love you!"

Draco pushed her this time, hard.

"No you don't. You wish you knew how to love me but you never will. I've got something here. Mudblood is one crazy bitch and I am willing to exploit that for the sex and compassion you could never provide."

"Wuh tuh fuck? Wut does "exploit" mean? Do you read books now? Like a fucking prep?"

"What I'm trying to tell you, Enoby, is that you were nothing more to me than a cheap session and a bit of sex on the side. This girl is everything I want. You are a fat, delusional, whore. Nothing more."

Enoby hissed like a cat and curled back her lips, revealing bloody fangs.

"I am a fuckin' vampire!"

"Dyslexia and Vampirism are very different syndromes."

"Draco, you fuckin prep! I hate your fuckin guts!"

"Good!", he shouted, still not stirring the deep sleeping Mudblood, "Because I hate yours."

Enoby had only one true magical ability. It was a very strange and for the most part enormously unhelpful gift; all logic around her was distorted. All in all her gift was a minor annoyance at a fundamentally cosmic level of unimportance. Still, there were moments where this uncontrollable blur of rationality came in handy for Enoby.

All of a sudden, as though her very presence were warping the fabric of the universe like the mind of a mildly autistic fifteen year old girl, Enoby was endowed with incredible magic powers. She raised her fake leather wand and pointed it at Draco.

Without a moments hesitation she fired, shouting "Aarb Kadvakra"

The shot was like a clap of thunder, the blast blindingly bright as lightening. It was only once the smoke had cleared that Enoby realized; She missed.

Draco flew his fist into her stomach, winding her and sending her toppling over backwards. She reached out an arm to swipe at him. He grabbed it, threw away the gun, and snapped her arm in two. The sound of bone cracking was so satisfying to Draco, he did it again to her other arm. Blood sprayed out of the wounds like a punctured hose. Not giving her time to scream he slammed his fist into her face, feeling an organic warmth splash past his skin as his arm traveled through her skull and hit the the brick wall on the other side.

Standing over a pulped up corpse with blood dripping from his fists, Draco Malfoy roared like a mighty ape.

"I'm cooking with gas!"

Mudblood stirred in her sleep.

"Oh yeah? You hear that?", he screamed at the broken, blood soaked body slumped against the wall below, "That's Mudblood. Yeah. We banged hard for the first time last night. Shit was so cash!"

Mudblood was confused by the scene when she woke up. Then again these days there was little that _didn't_ confuse her other than being sexy and flaunting her over developed assets. Still, most of us do show a little surprise when we wake up to find that the man we just slept with has committed a brutal murder as we slept.

"Draco baby, what's goin' on?", she moaned.

"Nothing. Just had something to discuss with Enoby here."

"Who's Enoby?"

"Enoby's dead baby. Enoby's dead."

They then walked off.

It was later that day when Mudblood ran into Harry Potter again.

"Hermione!" Harry near-shouted upon seeing her bouncing into the bathroom.

"Harry, baby", she giggled, "I'm Mudblood now. I'd prefer you called me by that name."

"Wait, what?" he could barely contain his shock, "You hate being called that."

"Well I am a Mudblood, aren't I Harry? Draco told me all about it. I'm nothing but a filthy, dirty little Mudblood. So that is my name."

"Well," said Harry, after some time, "That is both disgusting and really, really creepy. It is also wrong and completely out of character."

Mudblood was only turned on by this. As per usual. She wrapped herself around Harry, making sure to squeeze her heavy bosom tight against him. As much as he tried to resist, he was more than slightly enjoying himself.

"Oh Harry, darling," she hissed, squeezing ever-tighter, "Do I disgust you?"

"Hermi- Uh, Mudblood," he cringed just saying her new name, "Don't I date Ginny, or something like that? I don't think it would be in my best interests if we-"

Hermione giggled.

"If we did what, Harry?"

For a second he began to pull away. Then he pulled her back in, closer than ever before.

"Oh to hell with it, come here Mudblood."

Harry Potter than proceeded to thrust his tongue down the throat of the Mudblood formerly known as Hermione. What followed was an extremely graphic and frighteningly long sex scene, which for the sake of the younger readers following this increasingly distressing tale I have chosen to omit. What followed _that_, however, is of dramatic concern to the story and has not been omitted.

Dumbledore burst in. For some time there was silence, as the two lovers, having now, you see, moved up into Harry's bed, gaped at the old man, registering what had happened. Dumbledore gaped back, digesting what he had seen. Finally, he spoke.

"I don't suppose either of you know Miss Enoby of Slytherin?"

Harry cleared his throat.

"Uh, no sir, don't know her."

Mudblood spoke up hastily.

"Me neither. Never even heard of her."

"Oh dear," Dumbledore sighed, sitting at the foot of the bed, wiping his spectacles, "She's been found you see."

"Found?" the sweat dripping boy lying on Mudblood repeated, confused.

"Dead, boy," Dumbledore announced gravely, bringing his hand down hard on Harrys exposed buttocks and squeezing for emphasis, "She's been found dead."

He removed his hand slowly, letting his fingers trace a soft path across Harrys skin.

"Well, I really must be going", he said and departed.

For another moment or so, there was silence. After this long period of tension, the vigorous love making cheerfully resumed.


	4. Chapter 4 Transmutations

**Love For A Change, Chapter 4; Transmutations**

* * *

_You said I was ill... you were not wrong_

* * *

Oh the alcoholic afternoons, when Mudblood sat in Dracos room, meant more to her than any living thing on earth. In the time since her encounter with Harry, Mudblood had been trying, to keep her two affairs well apart. She had been friends with Harry for years, and although she was now able to see him in a new and far more exciting light she hated to think she may disrupt his relationship with Ginny. She knew that Ginny was young and sweet and, in all likelihood, still an utter virgin. It would be unfair to waste that all away for her own personal, physical needs. Draco, on the other hand, was quite the opposite. He was, perhaps, less good in bed but at least he had alcohol and what could go wrong seeing him?

Some times Mudblood thought, briefly, of Ron, between bedtime encounters and drunken hazes. Some times she thought she missed him. Some times she thought of how far she'd come since her original, naive plan to seduce him. But mostly he just drifted vaguely in and out of her thoughts, her drunken mind sometimes remembering that she had only done all this in the first place because she loved him.

But oh well...

Since she had first slept with Draco the search for Enobys killer was up. The school had been forced into a compulsory assembly and given the information on the murder by a very uncomfortable looking Dumbledore.

"Although one would think that in any sane schooling system I would send you home immediately for your own safety," Dumbledore said, "But this is Hogwarts!"

Mudblood had sat in the assembly anxiously. She had survived a surpassingly large snake, a two faced man and a werewolf in her last three years at the school, but to be the one being chased was very, very different. The fear of being discovered was greater than the fear of being sucked dry by a dementor, paralyzed by a serpent, or having tendril-like plants wrap her up, slithering all over her body and consuming her. Draco told her not to worry. He had never killed before but he knew he could get away with it.

Still, tensions were rife. The killer could be anyone. Literally, anyone. Snape and Dumbledore had planned on obtaining a group of suspects but quickly found that everyone had a motif to kill Enoby.

Even her best friend, Raven, admitted that she had been filled with murderous rage following Enobys stealing of a poster from her. he search was continuing, however, in secret. Teachers were wary and some students had started acting strangely, asking more questions to their peers than usual. It was considered likely that they were spies.

It was on one particular afternoon, as Mudblood lay in Draco's arms as he gazed out the window over at the lake, that there came a knock at the door. Hermione, not allowed in the boys dormitorys, let alone in Slytherin house slipped under the covers of the bed and lay very still.

She heard, but could not see, of course, Dumbledore enter.

"Draco Malfoy", he said gravely, "I'm afraid we're going to have to ask you to come with us."

"Whatever for?", Draco replied, "I'm innocent."

"I never implied that you -"

"Fine, I'll come with you."

Draco looked at the lump under his sheets.

_Damn_, he thought, _just about to get some, too._

As soon as she heard the door slam shut Mudblood bounced out of the bed. Draco was being taken for questioning. He would be found out. And when he was, her affair with him would be revealed. Harry would never want to see her again. Ron would despise her. She would lose everything.

She had to tell them, before they found out themselves. Perhaps that way she could maintain some dignity, at least. She slipped into her impossibly constricting uniform and jiggled down the corridor to find Harry in Gryffindor house.

Indeed he was there. But so too was Ginny. The two were tenderly kissing an when Mudblood appeared.

"Oh", she whispered, surprised.

Ginny looked up, then down at Mudbloods bust, then up again. Harry just looked at Mudbloods bust.

"Mudblood", Ginny said cheerfully. The name had caught on.

"Hi Ginny", she responded, looking Ginny over.

Ginny was of average height with red locks and and a thinly defined hourglass shape. She was pretty, but hardly a sex symbol. Harry looked up at Mudblood and motioned for her to leave, perhaps worried that in her stupor she would admit to having an affair with Harry.

"I just, er, came to say, um..."

Mudblood didn't know what to say anymore. Her heart was pounding. She became frantic.

"I just came to wish you all the best. I'm leaving Hogwarts."

Harry stood bolt upright from his former sitting position, causing Ginny to topple to the floor.

"What? Why?", he demanded.

Ginny stood up, rubbing her head.

"Yeah", she said, "You are... were... one of the brightest students here."

Mudblood blushed at the compliment.

"My, er, parents have decided it's not safe for me here with killers running loose."

Ginny raised one eyebrow disbelievingly. Harry too, was not convinced.

"Your parents have continued to send you here even after the school has consistently put you in mortal peril. It seems unlikely that they would send you away now."

"Well, you know my parents. They're crazy.", Mudblood shrugged it off.

"Well where are you going to go?" Ginny asked.

"Home, for the rest of the year."

Lies were coming naturally now.

"Are you coming back next year?" Harry asked, quietly.

"Oh. Perhaps."

Another lie.

"Well, best of luck out there!" Ginny said, and hugged her.

The considerable height difference meant that Ginny more or less merely planted her face deep within Mudbloods bountiful cleavage. She took this opportunity to look at Harry. His expression was only of sadness. He was looking at her, not Ginny, and immediately she felt the sting of lost potential. In that moment, she realized that perhaps she hadn't wanted Ron after all.

But all too soon she was gone, descending the staircase after a brief goodbye and a handshake for Harry. As she stepped out into the corridor she saw Ron, and stopped, surprised. He was dripping wet from head to toe.

"Hey Mudblood", he grinned, "What's up?"

Mudblood thought of making a longwinded speech about how she had done so much for Ron and it all had ended badly and she knew now that he wasn't the one for her but it was too late for her to go back and that the entire situation was really oh so very tragic but she decided not to. Instead she just planted upon his lips a quick kiss, whispered, "Goodbye" and was gone into the rain.

She at first thought of traveling by broomstick, however she would be considerably weighed down these days. The wet and the rain had seemed to come out of nowhere, and she stumbled down the Hogwarts path, tripping occasionally in the mud, until she found her way into Hogsmeade.

There, shivering and dripping wet she found a small motel. She banged at the door.

"Who is it?", came a voice from behind the door.

"A young and vulnerable girl in a tight school uniform."

The door swung open form the inside, revealing a very tall, muscular man with a formidable mustache.

"Get in," he said gruffly.

Inside was a stingy, backwater kind of place. There was only one other man there, and his face was completely hidden under a black cloak. He simply sat at a table in the far side of the room. The Gurff man asked if she had any money.

"No.", she admitted, "But I'll be happy to pay any other way."

The gruff man grinned and licked his lips, before disappearing upstairs to check on the other guests.

Mudblood sat down next to the cloaked man. Something about him seemed familiar.

"Hey.", she said.

"Hey.", he said in reply.

His voice was dry and gravelly, as if he were attempting a Clint Eastwood villain or something.

"I need to get out of here," she whispered.

"There's no getting out of here." he whispered harshly, "This is a war, and you've just been drafted into it!"

She leaned back, thoroughly freaked out.

"Who are you?"

Suddenly there was a bolt of lightening that came down with a crash upon the world outside and lit the scene dramatically as the man stood and unveiled his cloak.

"Are you DENSE? Are you RETARDED? Who the hell do you THINK I am?"

She fell to the floor, unable to believe who was taking her by the hand and lifting her up.

"I'm the Goddamn Voldermort."


	5. Chapter 5 Black Forest Hotel

**Love For a Change; Chapter Five; Black Forest Hotel**

_Chapter five, in which the author loses his mind, immoculates a monk, snorts the ahses and gets funky in a night club when Daft Punk comes on._

* * *

"Voldermort!" Mudblood gasped, "You're a monster!"

He rose proudly, placing his feet on the table top and standing up, evily breaking a small glass in the process.

"I am not a monster" he declared, "I am the hero Hogwarts deserves!"

Mudblood stared at the shattered remains of the small glass in sadness, and tears filled her eyes as she though of the glasses children that would cry through the night for their mother who could never return.

"You fiend!" she yelled, and would have gone on but she was suddenly alert of the gruff motel owner who had reappeared at the bottom of the stairs and was staring at Voldermort standing on the table incredulously.

"Stop that." he grunted firmly.

Voldermort snickered and raised his wand to cast some dire spell, but the man was a lot gruffer looking than him, so he lowered his wand and muttered an apology as he awkwardly climbed off the table. The man grunted in satisfaction and departed back up the stairs. Once he was sure he was gone Voldermort grabbed Mudblood and hissed at her.

"Let us fly now – the night awaits!"

Before she could scream for help he disapparated far beyond the meager motel and to a strange place she did not recognize. It was a deep forest, where vines hung from the canopy to the detritus they stood in. Voldermort was about to speak when there came an immense roar from deep within the jungle. Mudblood screamed. For one thing whatever made that noise was considerably larger and a lot hungrier than she was, and for another thing she was trapped with the most evil wizard on the face of the earth. If they were still on the earth.

"You are still on the earth." reassured a strange voice from behind them, apparently reading her mind.

The dynamic duo turned to see a curious looking man with a very dark complexion and powerful build standing before them. He was up to his knees in mud, and was still at least a few inches taller than either of them. He wore a macabre necklace crafted of what appeared to be infant bones and from his forehead sprouted two small horns surrouned in a maw of scars and twisted flesh, indicating he had inserted them himself in some savage ritual.

Mudblood outstretched a feeble hand to shake.

"Hello, native island cannibal. We very please to meet you."

"Oh, I'm no native," laughed the man, ignoring the outstretched hand, "I am a real estate agent, here to sell portions of this charming newly discovered island to investors for a minimal price. Have you considered a Skull Mountain condo, young lady? In five years it will be worth more than-"

The rest of his sentence was drowned out by another earth shattering roar in the distance. The real estate agent seemed not to notice, and continued talking beneath it.

"-make a perfect home for your children. So sign here, here, and here." he said, pointing to blank spots on what appeared to be a complex legal document tattooed to his back.

"Did you just hear that?" Mudblood queried.

"Hear what?" he replied, without turning around.

"That large roar. I believe this island me be inhabited by large and ferocious animals."

Now he turned around, shaking with laughter, sinking slightly deeper into the mud with each shake.

"Young lady there are no large or ferocious animals on Skull Island. I can assure you that no species, living or extinct, that wishes to cause harm upon any person exists here."

At that moment a group of stern looking white men in suits appeared carrying briefcases. One spoke up.

"Mr. Emmanuel, are there any native islanders in this area?"

The real estate agent excused himself to talk with them.

"No, of course not! Part of the Reammendment of Constitutional Authoritarial Freedomship Committee Act of 1999 involved the peaceful and humane removal of all island citizens, who regrettably did not, at times, comply to regulation, and forced us to put them down in a peaceful and human manner."

"I see. And what of the survivors?"

"What survivors?" he responded bluntly.

Mudblood had all but forgotten that she was standing next to Voldermort until he muttered something under his breath and strode over to Mr. Emmanuel, and whispered something in his ear.

The real estate agent appeared briefly confused, but complied to whatever he had been asked saying, "I'll just call him for you. He might be busy."

He whipped out a cellular phone fashioned from a leaf and a rock and spoke for a few seconds in a pace too fast to comprehend to whoever was on the other end, then hung up.

"He says he'll be down shortly."

Voldermort nodded and for a while they all stood in mildly uncomfortable silence until an enormous reptile came crashing down through the canopy, landing on and crushing the group of investors beneath its scaly hide. It gasped it's final breath died. Mudblood had about three seconds to recover from the shock of this sight before an even larger gorilla came swinging out of the forest and jumped feet first onto the fallen beasts head, which exploded and sent gratuitous quantities of blood flying in all directions. Mudblood stood, dripping from head to toe in dinosaur blood, shivering and in horrid awe, whilst Voldermort greeted the noble ape like an old friend. It greeted him similarly and they shook hands fondly.

Mr. Emmanuel immediately began boring into the flesh of the dead animal in order to reach the men it crushed and retrieve their wallets.

The massive gorilla finally noticed Mudblood and did a small bow. She began to do a bloodied curtsy in response but it suddenly grabbed her, clumsily ripped her clothes off with its huge fingers and prepared to devour her. She screamed, and Voldermort shook his head. The ape looked disappointed, but obeyed and put the naked, blood soaked girl down.

"Sorry about that," growled the huge hair creature, scratching his huge hairy back, "I've always had a thing for blonde's with big tits."

Mudblood was too shocked to say anything.

"How rude of me", the massive creature noted, "I've not even introduced myself. I am Kong. I don't mean to brag but I've been called the eighth wonder of the world by more than one woman, if you get where I'm coming from."

Mudblood nodded, holding her arms over her substantial, bloody, breasts and crossing her legs in such a way that the massive perv was unable to get a good look at the goods. He looked disappointed again.

She's all yours!" Voldermort announced grandly and the ape licked his lips and moved towards the terrified girl before he carried on, "BUT first – I need your help."

Kong nodded, accepting the conditions.

"I accept the conditions. You have been very good to me over the years, Mark Twain."

Mudblood stared at the vile, grinning wizard beside her. She had too many questions to ask him. What was his wicked plan this time? Why did it involve a giant ape? Why did her life seem to be an increasingly incoherent piece of nonsense? Yet the only query she could bring herself to ask was the one that mattered the least.

"Mark Twain? _Really?_"


End file.
